Queen Leda

Feck, arse and total bollix. This the current state of things. Our small nation waits on tenterhooks, waiting to see how screwed up things are going to get after the election, wondering how we are all going to recover after one of the most unpleasant campaigns that most of us can remember. Whatever happens tomorrow, our little corner of the world has changed forever.

There are some people who won’t be so worried about the outcome of the election but it is really getting to me. I know that I am particularly grumpy today. Yesterday I started coming down with yet another cold, making me as weak as a kitten. It’s nothing that can’t be cured with plenty of sleep and some peace and quiet, but it just feels like that’s impossible right now. Roll on the weekend.

Foolishly, I went for a training session today after work, even though I was propping my eyelids open before lunchtime, and I found I just couldn’t hack it. After a fast 500 metre row, I couldn’t get my breath back properly and after five minutes with the weights, I was good for nothing but lying on the floor for some arm and leg stretches. I left feeling truly pathetic.

So why go? Mainly because I didn’t realise I was so poorly until I started trying to work out. The other reason is one that exercise fiends will identify with. You panic because you think that if you wuss up and have time off, your muscles will turn to jelly and you will lose all your fitness after having only a few days off. So you go, instead of being kind to yourself and curling up on the sofa with a bowl of ice cream. Normally I would just have gone for the sofa option and felt justified about doing so, but the looming prospect of the Super Spartan has put me into some kind of fever dream mode. Damn that race for making me think these unreasonable thoughts!

In order to cheer myself up, I have decided to indulge my insanity and political gloom by imagining what I would do if I actually was Queen Leda for the day, not only ruler of the Spartans, but of the entire realm. Absolute power is not a good thing, but if used wisely (by me) it could have positive effects. I apologise in advance for my authoritarian approach if you are still reading this rather surly post but what the hell, I am the Queen.

So without further ado, here is my rather random list:

• All would-be politicians must spend a year living on benefits before attempting to take office.  They will be subjected to the same trials and tribulations that everyone else is and will not be allowed to supplement their income by fair means or foul.  Only when I have judged them sufficiently humbled by their experience, shall they be approved to run for government.
• There shall be no pictures of naked women in newspapers.  While this is clearly not the only issue for women in our society, it’s certainly one of the root causes.
• All reality TV involving crap celebrities will be banned – it is bad for the brain.
• The working week shall be reduced to four days, allowing people to have a decent work life balance.  The minimum wage will be £15 per hour.
• Everyone will be given time off work once a day to either partake of exercise or a nap, depending on their requirements at the time.
• No local authority shall be allowed to close a library.

• All public entertainments (cinema, live music, sports etc) shall be price-capped to an absolute maximum of £20.
• All citizens shall be availed of a pleasant greenspace within a fifteen minute stroll of their abode.
• Healthy food will be cheap, but McDonalds and their ilk (including the stuff made of cow’s eyelids from Iceland) will be taxed to the hilt.  Chocolate shall be exempt from this law.
• Education will always be free and shall include useful stuff such as how to cook on a budget, how to meditate and how to manage money.
• All clothing store changing rooms will contain four way mirrors so that people actually know if their bum looks big in this.
• Daily hugs will be mandatory for all citizens, including politicians.
• Healthcare (including mental health care) will always be free, the requirement for it being drastically reduced by implementation of the above policies.
• The super-rich, especially those earning a fortune from unnecessarily highly paid vocations such as football and modelling, will be taxed heavily to pay for these reforms.  No-one needs to earn billions, have 10 houses and a private aeroplane.
• Once these rules have been put in place, the monarchy will be abolished.  They are nothing but over privileged leeches, feasting on the public purse and I’m sure the tourist industry will survive without them.

These may not cover all the bases, but they are a good start and the first one alone should ensure a kinder and more civilised society. Any further rules can be put forward for consideration by my magnificent benevolence, preferably before I abolish myself.

Until next time,

QL.